Fugue State

[Generalkaos]

Okay, so I'm having a real hard time with this piece. It just isn't doing what it should, and I'm not sure how to bring it out of itself. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
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Fugue State

My feet ache. I have been locked outside for hours now. you are
asleep upstairs and waiting for me. I hear the small sounds from
your belly as you backstroke across dark water. It looks like cola,
I know, but at the bottom are bones of infants. Hear them shift
with the motion of the vast pool churned by great slick bodies,
by fins as broad as Viking oars. Those fish have great blind eyes
and lights inside their cavernous mouths that make their bellies
seem warm and dry as remembered homes.

Swim faster, love, and breathe. A fin has cut the water to your
left. Outrun it. Out run.

When you awaken, still wet and smelling of the sea, I will be
here gazing at the smiling knocker. When I hear your light
steps upon the kitchen stairs, I will knock once. When you
greet me, I will give you a purple-white carnation made from
your own tissue paper.

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ June 17, 2002 10:51 PM: Message edited by: Generalkaos ]</font>

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ June 17, 2002 11:03 PM: Message edited by: Generalkaos ]</font>

[crazy a]

I get the feeling there should be something in the middle, more than what is there now.

[Generalkaos]

I think what I'm going to do is strengthen what's here, and if I have to add something in the middle, that's what I'll do. Thanks for your suggestion, definitely.

[parch]

haven't been here in a while, but glad I came back to visit and found this. it had some great images.
good work.

parch

[Hannibal]

The imagery was dark, yet so alive!!! I loved it!
I REALLY liked this peice. The second paragraph/stanza/whatever/ seemed to be kinda... I dunno.. it was okay, but it just wasn't as good as the rest of the peice. But MAN ALIVE! I really liked this. Good work!

[Generalkaos]

Well, I put this one down for a while, and glancing at it again, I see what's wrong with it right away. The sentence structure in the last stanza undermines any image and fails the reader badly. I will edit this and post the new version to see what you guys think.